Hash Trash - Run 139

Location: Turgutreis

Date: Sunday, 15 December 2013

Hares: Flasher & Pisser

Scribe: Doggy Style

Just getting to the last hash was a cross-country expedition in itself, thanks to the continuous roadworks on Karabag road (good odds on there being a waterfall of stone road blocks sometime during the January rains).  Fishy Fingers and I set off on the bus to get to the On On On – I feared for my life as first we meandered in the wrong direction, then Fishy Fingers went a sickly shade of green as the bus did an impression of a rollercoaster ride on the way up to the mosque, and looked like she was going to throw up on me at any moment (something to do with her being hungover from the night before  - to which I would like to point out that I had not been out with her, for once!). 

Early arrival Chez Flasher and Pisser, and we were greeted by Flasher hanging over the balcony.  Bless her – she sacrificed finishing her eye make-up to rush down and ensure that we were soon supping the first glasses of very tasty mulled wine.  There were soon a number of other early arrivals – I think news had spread that we were coming on the early bus, and people feared that Fishy would be supping all the mulled wine due to her need for hair of the dog.

Soon we were all gathered wearing our festive hats – most had gone for the red Santa hat variety.  Vacuum Cleaner and Sugar Puff seemed to be wearing rather large knitted willy-warmers – who knows, maybe Sugar Puff is a very lucky lady indeed!  Something has to make up for those bad jokes!  The opening circle was called, and the female hashers in particular were prised away from the mulled wine.   Butt Butt was awarded the Hon-er from the last hash for being a dedicated hasher and coming on her own without her husband (impersonation of Fishy!).  The hares, Pisser and Flasher came into the circle and spouted the normal lies about the trail.  Threats of hooks and check-backs were made, and the false promise of a beer stop.  The RA took us through a festive warm-up and then we were off, heading out onto the streets to go up, down, up, down, around, up, down, and around.  Bless the Turkish street planners for the number of roads that they can manage to cram into one small area. 

LuvJoy was out in front – there were claims from Vacuum Cleaner that he was going to give him a run that he would never forget, but I think it was VC’s memory that went, as he seemed to give up on this idea after the first big hill.  The male front runners showed that chivalry was not dead with Shitter and Vacuum Cleaner both following LuvJoy down the same route at one of the checks leaving the FOURTH runner at the check (me) to be the person who checked the second possible route.  Hmmm, revenge shall be wreaked in a future hash!  Pisser adopted some willow-o-the wisp ability and “materialised” around bends and hills despite having been behind only minutes earlier.   Vacuum Cleaner, Fishy Fingers and I battled-on up what we thought was the last route (despite hearing LuvJoy shouting On On in a different direction).  We were rewarded by abuse from some of the local Turkish youngsters (not sure they were being taught their English-language by a TEFL teacher!), and then discovering a check-back.  So, trecked all the way back down again to find that LuvJoy had been right all along and made it first back, and everyone else was back at the RV enjoying more mulled wine. 

The closing circle commenced with down-downs for the hares, and followed by the HON-er.  Shitter and LuvJoy were hauled in for misdemeanours that I can’t recall, and of course, Shitter stayed in a bit longer as he tried to recall which hand he was supposed to be drinking from.  Butt Butt demonstrated her spout-supping abilities, and Whilst You’re Down There got done for something naughty.

Vacuum Cleaner and Sugar Puff have been threatening/promising to leave for some time, and finally the day arrived!  They were given a down-down and a one-fingered salute to bid them on their way.  You will be missed!!!

More down downs followed – the mulled wine and my sieve-like memory means I can’t really recall why, but if the RA gave them, then they must have been right (especially when he has such a good prompter in Helmet Polisher).  As we weren’t allowed to head to the On On On venue early (couldn’t traumatise a children’s party with us lot), the circle was closed, jokes were told, shots of creamy liquor appeared, and the ladies all chuckled at Hobo’s missing balls (for some reason, the guys didn’t seem to find this so funny – maybe because the cold weather was having the same effect on them…).  Then off we set to La Villa for a delicious meal and to enjoy the winter sun set.  

A great afternoon and evening! 

A festive On On! Doggy Style

Hash Trash - Run 138

Location: Bitez

Date: Sunday, 1 December 2013

Hares: Hose Handler & Helmet Polisher

Scribe: Going Down & Go Go Gadget

This will be a very short trash, as was the run J. With the storm clouds threatening the pack gathered at the RV, most wearing their wet weather clothing (not much faith in the new RA yet then). The start circle was called and amongst the usual announcements, the GM presented Lightfoot with the hashit, for being late at the last hash he attended and keeping the pack waiting, the GM then gave Knockers some walking sticks and a helmet to protect herself if she was to fall over yet again. Also the outgoing RA (vacuum cleaner) presented the incoming RA (Hose handler) with a part of himself (a vacuum cleaner head (head who said head)) as a memento, so he would not be forgotten (as if anyone could). The RA decided that a warm up was in order, Bodrum has had an ex Army RA and an ex Navy RA, who each, when RA, had their own versions of warm ups, now the incumbent RA is an ex fireman, a totally different warm up as the attending hashers must agree.

The on on was called and off we went for a very pleasant run around Bitez, partly along the beach and partly around the back streets and arriving back at the start point, first back being Whilst you’re Down There and the first runner back being Lightfoot.

The circle was called and the down downs started to be awarded, the hare’s being called in and the pack stating what they thought of the trail, and then returning hashers Knockers, Old Peculier Lightfoot, Going Down and Go Go Gadget were called in. Doggy Style was called in for the heinous crime of wearing new shoes. Mis-namers were called in, Whilst You’re Down There, Fishy Fingers, Knockers, Helmet Polisher, Butt Butt, Flasher and Going Down, that didn’t leave many hashers out of the circle!!!, unusually, there were no goodie goodies. The RA told a joke, and this apparently is a first, he remembered the punch line. The RA also did well as the rain held off so the wet weather gear was not required, oh! Ye of little faithJ. There were other awards given, but with my memory being what it is, I have forgotten what they were for.

The On On On was at Sandy’s in Gumbet where they have one of the best steak pie’s we have tasted.

Well done hare’s and thank you BH3, see you all again soon.

Hash Trash - Run 137

Location: Turgutreis

Date: Sunday, 17 November 2013

Hares: Doggy Style & Fishy Fingers

Scribe: Vacuum Cleaner

Meeting at the D marine in PJ’s on a ‘full moon’ hash was always going to be weird, but as if that was bad enough, the PJ’s worn only reminded us of teletubbies on a bad day…no wonder these moo’s have very little activity in the bed room department!!

The replacement RA (hose handler) greeted the pack with a beautiful joke about aliens and fuel pumps, but as always the pressure of the undeserving bunch forced him to fluster mainly being led astray by Helmet polisher who was the first to heckle him!! After the hares (fish fingers & Doggie style) lied about the run details, we were blinded by the array of lights coming off the heads of those well prepared hashers…useless really as the brightness of the moon led us on our way, only wishing I’d brought a light too!

The stupid ones amongst us ran the wrong way, looking for marks which were obviously washed out by the hard working road cleaners of Turgutreis that work only at 6pm on a Sunday evening according to FF, utterly convinced she was right we followed again her the right way heading towards Fener lighthouse along the coastal path. A beautiful trail if there’s light! But in the dark a haunted path through a strange park, praying no one would attack us and lucky not to have our throats cut. We found another path would lead us back to the coast road and eventually to a check. At this point just like the children’s rhyme, ‘the wise old duke of York’, Shitter would guide us to the top of the hill, being that wise old man we’d expected his words to be utterly true and so turned about to run back down again but when we were down, we were down!! And when they were half way up, he’d led us back up again! Because he didn’t check properly!

Lovejoy blasted his way around looking for marks, which could only be found by him, no one else could be bothered. Many such marks made him run back to us, but as we had long since suspected the hook would be in such a direction, we followed the GM instead on a flat plain toward the harbour and ONIN. The welcome site of whilst your down there in her cow/cat suit was only made better only after several refreshing beers. A circle was formed in the car park and hares were given first DD’s for causing such pain.

The returnees VC & SP who never left cos they love BH3 were awarded DD’s for not leaving when their supposed too! The best dressed PJ’s awards were given with Butt butt & Flasher who looked like something out of victoria’s secret…..NOT! wearing what can only be described as a mouse/dog costume, well both had ears anyway…and could have been anything really!!

VC told a joke to show the new RA how it’s done and ofcourse it was rubbish!! But he use Doggy style as a prop (she was the cowboys horse) which earned a few points! The closing was marked with a verse from blue moon….few people knew the words. The ‘ononon’ was at Carlos pizzeria, because the GM was in attendance, the quality of the food and service was incredible, the table was a wash with food never normally offered, even free ice cream was given in order to mark the occasion. All in all a fun time. On On VC.

Hash Trash - Run 136

Location: Fener

Date: Sunday, 3 November 2013

Hares: Pisser & Flasher

Scribe: Pisser

It was quite fitting that the circle for hash 136, the final hash before the summer hashers leave for their winter destinations, was held on the beach at Fener.  The RA had done his job well, it was a lovely sunny evening but not too warm. 

At 2pm prompt the GM for the days proceedings, Hose Handler, called all 20 hashers in to the circle.  His first duty was to name the HONer for this weeks hash.  Butt Butt was called in and informed that she was the HONer.  The hares Pisser and Flasher were called in and they gave the usual “flat, short” speech.  A quick tot up of numbers attending the On On On was done and they were back out.  The GM then opened up with his first joke which went down very well.  This funny spell was brought to an abrupt halt as the RA, VC took the circle.  VC then proved that just because you don’t know the end of a joke, it doesn’t mean it can’t be funny.  Even if not necessarily for the right reasons.  He followed this with his customary warm up and this concluded the opening circle.

On On was called.  The trail immediately went up a hill, then up some more followed by some more up.  At last we got to the top and went downhill again only to go along for a few hundred metres and then, yes, back up to the top again.  By this stage the walkers and runners had split and would not meet again until the end.  The route took us through the village of Fener out in to the country.  Up a river bed and then back through the village on the other side of the valley.  The runners stayed mostly together with the exception of VC who ran on ahead, must have been feeling keen as it was his last hash for a while.  Due to a large van parking directly over a check VC carried on back alone, never once wondering why there were no further marks.  After some 1 hour 15 minutes all were back safe and sound.

The GM called the circle.  It was then noted that we had an extra hasher.  Semen had turned up after we had started. He had gone the wrong way on the trail so missed it completely.  Never mind, better late than never at least he made it for his favourite bit..... the beer.  First in the circle was Butt Butt, the HONer.  This was awarded due to Butt Butt stepping in at the last moment to cover as hash flash for Doggy Style who had been taken ill.  Next came the hares.  The RA complained about bad marking as he had missed a check but he was soon silenced by the cheering crowds.  Next we had 2 virgins, Debbie and Rachel.  They were followed by the returnee, Flasher.  The GM soon realised that he had forgotten to nominate a scribe.  At the third time of asking, Pisser said he would do it.  The GM handed over to the RA and he was off.  Flasher was given another down down for returning from Australia which she obviously had to drink on her head.    The virgins were brought in to give us a little insight as to who they are. They were also told all the hashers names. It was not long after this that Butt Butt introduced her identical twin sister Çok Çılgın from Istanbul.  The girls put on a very entertaining dance for the circle, which must have taken hours of bedroom rehearsals.  After the dance Çılgın decided she need to sit down...oops lay down.  Miss attitude was brought in for wearing her Halloween costume, a scary cat.  Lots of other hashers, myself included, were brought in to the circle on trumped up charges and given a swift down down.  The RA then wowed us with his usual mix of tongue in cheek and risqué repartee.  The GM came back in and called all those heading off for the winter in to the circle for a down down.  A seasonal farewell was bid to, I Love Clock, Tramp Juice, Stalker, Happy, Semen and Vacuum Cleaner.   The RA did his final “Oh Lord” and the circle was then closed.  Those that attended the restaurant had a great meal and the view of the sun setting over the sea was a lovely way to end a pleasant evening.

On On

Pisser