Hash Trash - Run 128

Location: Bitez

Hares: Comes Too Soon & Winey Bitch

Scribe: Pubes

Approximately 38 hashers gathered on a scorching hot afternoon on the outskirts of Bitez for Run 128. After the arrival of a few latecomers the circle was called. It was announced that there was to be 2 namings, and the namees (Yvonne and granddaughter, Ilayda) were invited in to circle to give us some details about themselves that might assist in the choosing of the names. The hares, Comes Too Soon and Yvonne, were then invited to tell the usual lies about the route. This done the RA commenced a stretching and warm up session, clad for some strange reason in a balaclava. On on was called and we headed down hill towards Bitez.

The heat was indeed scorching, but fortunately much of the route was shaded, which was a welcome relief. The walkers route was also fairly short which was also a welcome relief, particularly as some hashers were feeling a little hungover (you know who you are). So the walkers headed back to the RV to imbibe a few cold Efes and wait patiently for runners who had a much longer and hillier route. With the majority of runners returning shortly it came to light that this was not the full route and they had got lost due to poor marking by the hares (oh dear). However King Crapper and Run Fat Boy Run had managed to figure it out and eventually returned having completed the whole route.

The circle was then called by the GM who first welcomed a guest hasher who was visting from Kuwait.   Downdowns were also given to newcomers and returnees. The New GM was also given a present for his new appointment by Secondhand Dishwasher, in the form of a very special beer dispensing hat.

Time now for the naming ceremonies. Yvonne was given the appropriate name of WINEY BITCH, alluding to her penchant for a certain drink and her ability to nag at Comes Too Soon.  The 10 year old Ilayda then came forward displaying a confidence and attitude beyond her years, which resulted in the name MISS ATTITUDE.

With namings done, the usual RA shenanigans began with down downs for the usual misdemeanors and Seaman introducing new songs to accompany them. A few veterans also entered the circle in the form of Barrel, Stalker and Clocks to show the RA how joke telling should be done. With the circle FINALLY drawing to a close, many hashers headed to a seafront restaurant Bitez for the ON ON ON.

Hash Trash - Run 127

Location: Kumköy

Hares: Lightfoot

Scribe: Fishy Fingers

An announcement was made in the circle following run 126 that the next hash would be set by Lightfoot and would be in in a forest out past Bodrum and we would have a BBQ afterwards. So preparations were made and transport arranged, when an hour or two before we were due to leave an urgent message was received from Lightfoot problems with the RV, the fire brigade were not happy with the mixture of fire and drinking (fair point). So change of RV and location for BBQ off we set. A very good turn out for a far afield hash 31 dedicated hashers turned out for the run in Kumköy.  After holding up the circle whilst waiting for 4 lost hashers they eventually found us and the circle was called. GM did his bit, and called in the hare to explain the run "usual lies" flat , short blah blah blah. Then we were informed there would be a double naming holiday hashers Zara and Chris who we were informed were in advertising and computers and were Dopey’s daughter and her partner.  Then in came RA to tell some lousy jokes (sorry) and do his "hokey cokey" warm up which actually consisted of not very graceful burpees!

To the call of On On off we set off into the forest where there immerged a new FRB a virgin hasher named Ilayda who is only 9 but boy could she run and amazingly she knew what all the marks were for (well done Nana Yvonne). The trail wound its way through lanes and the most beautiful forest.  Plenty of checks and back checks ensured that the pack stayed close together, although this may have been more to do with the fact that if the hare was to be believed there was a hook and the first 5 had to go back to the last check (believe me I was always at least 6th). Then it appeared on the horizon "the hook" suddenly a terrible pain overtook Shitter and he had to stop (shame on you!), leaving the hare Lightfoot to do the hook on his behalf. The pack then made its way back to the RV for a well-deserved beer or 2 as the 5km run promised by the hare turned out to be at least 9km.

The BBQs were lit the beers were flowing but the numbers didn't add up 31 hashers set off, 24 hashers had returned, where were the missing 7 . After several phone calls we located them they were on a road surrounded by trees mmmmm that narrows it down..... NOT. Armed with mobiles, off set a rescue party in 1 of the minibuses who found them 4km off trail (maybe somebody needs to explain to these dear hashers that the blue arrows are usually no more than 50m apart and if there are no arrows is not the right way lol).

The circle was called, down downs given for various offenses, returnees , virgins , wearing pink etc , songs were sung , more beer drunk, then into the circle to be named came Zara and Chris. Just as Zara was about to kneel she says “I have a rash”, oh dear, fate sealed GM calls out "Itchy Snatchy", yes came the answer from the circle, poor girl! In came Chris and the circle goes for "Rapid Download " ( he got off lightly if you ask me).

With the smell of the food cooking wafting across to us the circle was closed and we walked the short distance to the restaurant, for those who hadn't brought their own food there was a meal provided by the owner and drinks available to buy at a very reasonable price. An excellent choice of venue for a last minute change of location, well done Lightfoot.

The evening was great success and little hasher Ilayda decided we should have an open mike session we had turns from several hashers including the GM, but I have to say the star turn was definitely newly named hashers Itchy Snatchy and Rapid Download singing in the Style of Les Mis.

I have to once again thank Lightfoot for both an excellent trail and choice of venue.

On On Fishy Fingers!

Hash Trash - Run 126

Location: Gümüşlük

Hares: Sugar Puff & Vacuum Cleaner

Scribe: Perky

So we all assembled, 30 of us, for run 126, which was set in the beautiful village and countryside of Gümüşlük. 

But first I have to tell you about the AGM which was held on the previous Wednesday. In a week when there has been much talk of the workings of democracy in Turkey, our humble Hash set an example of democracy at its finest. As decreed, the RA stepped up to GM just as our beloved PM will be President in two years time but when the nominations for the new RA were sought there was a stunned silence when we realised that the post would be contested. There were two contenders and therefore there should be a vote. !!!

 The GM decided a show of hands might lead to some friction in the future so it was to be a secret vote. Wait….. As a new GM had been elected shouldn’t he preside over this delicate task?? However “Comes too soon” who I will refer to by his hash name as he was now a humble hasher like me, decided he would cling to power, Gordon Brown like, until his the final moment.

CTS managed to acquire some suitable ballot papers and although there was a shortage of pens, all votes were cast and the ballot papers collected. There was a pregnant pause whilst the votes were counted, then counted again then the result was announced.

After counting the votes from all present plus the proxy votes Vacuum Cleaner had won by ONE vote.  There were protests from the crowd. Who decreed that proxies were allowed?  This is not democracy. Just as plans to occupy Sofis were being hatched the tense situation was salvaged by the arrival of more hashers. There could now be a new election and these illegal proxies could be discounted.

Replay the scene, more ballot papers, more sweating brows. VC folded his 3-page acceptance speech as it became clear the vote was again close. Perhaps the thought of the acceptance speech had swung the vote as VC’s majority had disappeared. The result was a TIE.

Hash tradition dictates that the GM would make the casting vote. But which GM? The new one or the departed one?  CTS ended the debate by pusillanimously declaring that the post would be shared. There was to be a coalition of RAs. This will mean that all jokes henceforth will have to be approved by the other RA before being imposed on the hash. Watch this space.

So back to the Hash. It was a hot day.

RV was on the beach next to Victoria’s Bar. Except it wasn’t next to Victoria’s Bar. No Hashers were to be seen.!! Had we got the time right?  No time had been mentioned in the instructions. All was soon revealed.

The hares had decided that a group of potential agitators none of whom were wearing headscarves and harbouring containers obviously designed for alcohol would invoke the wrath of the authorities. Wisely trying to avoid water canon, tear gas and pepper spray they had secreted the circle behind some trees at the far end of the beach, however a phone call to Sugar Puff and we were reunited with the hashers.

You may have guessed that the run was pretty uneventful by the digressions above.

I am reliably informed that the runner’s route was picturesque. They ran through a green valley filled with daffodils and daisies. They waded though a cool lagoon with water lilies floating on the surface. They passed under a cascading waterfall and ascended a limestone cliff to reveal a panoramic view over the ocean.

Unfortunately, I was with the walkers. About 14 of us. We walked up a hill. We saw white houses, tarmac and precast concrete kerbs. Walked up another hill. More white houses tarmac and precast concrete kerbs and we reached the beer stop. Semen was enjoying the walk so much he went straight past the beer stop but was persuaded to come back.

Now I realised again what hashing is all about. A beautiful view. Lots of beer and more beer . The runners eventually arrived. Remarkably both fast runners and slow runners at the same time.

No one was in any hurry to resume the run. The walkers eventually straggled away. I decided I would now be a runner, as I would have time to squeeze in another beer. Unfortunately I had to run back but as it had been all uphill to get there I knew I could manage it.

So how would this new circle turn out? What changes would be made? No more competitive running. No more drinking from smelly sweat sodden trainers. No more persecution of pufftahs. No more kissing in public. I am confusing the hash with the government. Of course kissing in public is allowed. Turkish men have always done it. When gay marriage inevitably comes to Turkey as it has throughout Europe how will they decide who wears the headscarf? And which pufftah will walk 5 paces behind? These are the things that keep me awake at night.

The first think I noticed since my last hash in Bodrum was that the down downs were now served in thimbles .Our beloved Prime Minister must be proud of us. No more drunken debauchery. Also song sheets were handed out. I think VC must have forgotten the demographic profile of the Bodrum Hash. We will remember to bring our glasses as well as our mugs next time or preferably try to make the font a few sizes larger. Nevertheless like an England football team miming to the national anthem we pretended to sing the words. I thought I recognised some of the songs until VC started singing and I realised that the tunes were nothing like I had heard previously. Even “ I don’t want to join the army “ in honour of our GM bore no resemblance to the tune usually associated with it. Maybe we need a Hash Piano.

Down Downs were numerous from the thimbles.

There was one virgin. I have been on hashes where the virgins have to introduce themselves and say a few words about themselves. They are invariably embarrassed and the experience prevents them from hashing ever again. It was refreshing to note that this time the hashers introduced themselves to the virgin. 30 hash names plus Yvonne.  Then all of the good work was undone when the virgin was ordered to name 10 of the hashers who had just introduced themselves. Squirming with embarrassment she named only 5. This was worse than failing your English GCSE. Another prospective hasher lost for posterity.

So the circle was closed.

ON ON ON was at the Well signposted Limon except that all signs led to the wrong Limon. The real Limon was in Gumusluk village. No problem for the residents who know every blade of grass and every square inch of tarmac but no help for us visitors. Close to a Mosque. Everywhere in Turkey is close to a Mosque. But which Mosque?

We finally found it only to be informed that our GM had left already. Someone had podged (that’s an old Black Country Word meaning to jump the queue) and the GM had left in a huff or possibly some other vehicle. This I found hard to believe. Surely in Turkey no one would jump the queue. All of these polite drivers that will always give way and everywhere you will find an orderly line waiting to be served.

I thought the food was excellent. A few discontinued items but substitutions were acceptable.    

On On

Perky

Hash Trash - Run 124

Location: Yalikavak

Hares: Semen & Tits

Scribe: Doggy Style

First evening hash of the summer, and the RA had organized enough sun that we were still baking all the way around the trail.  Thirty six dedicated/deluded individuals turned out, including a number of visitors and returnees. 

The circle started with the FRB down-down being awarded to LuvJoy from the last hash.  He immediately set the tone for his circle activity for the day by drinking from the wrong hand and wearing a hat in the circle – offences to be paid for later on.

The Hares, Semen & Tits, proceeded to tell us lots of rubbish and lies about the route – no hills, short, and something detailed about checkbacks which always goes straight over my head.  And off we went to see just how much they had lied to us. 

Route took us on a scenic tour of Yalikavak.  The Hares had kindly included some nasty hill checks, and after the first, I made a mental note to ensure that I always slow down the second I hear the cry of “Check”.    Semen managed to do some magical Harry Potter action throughout the trail – one minute he would be behind you, and the next would suddenly materialize around the next corner still without having broken a sweat.

Fabulous viewing point gave us all a view to remind us of why Bodrum is such a beautiful place to be – although there was some debate about how long a pause qualifies as you stopping at a viewing point.  Frankly, after the steep climb up there, I thought it was the amount of time needed to regain the ability to breath whilst pretending to admire the scenery.

Shitter managed to escape with just a number of near-misses rather than actual accidents.  After almost going headfirst over a tripwire contraption that the Turkish road layers had put down (clearly without feeling the need for any hazard warning signs), he managed an amazing quickstep sideward dance move to avoid having his ankles munched on by a feisty beagle and its fellow furry friend.   The owner demonstrated his remorse by promptly informing Fishy Fingers that we mustn’t scare the dogs.

The site of the RV point and the boxes of cold beer were very welcome after the hot run.  With all runners and walkers back, the RA and GM started dishing out the usual medley of down downs, starting with the Hares and soon followed by visitors, returnees and those who had made the fatal mistake of deciding to wear new shoes.  LuvJoy’s continued his earlier performance by forgetting (or “not forgetting but not bringing”) his mug and almost not having any hash gear, so his downdowns had to be combined for fear of us running out of beer.   This fear was only accentuated when Shitter was brought into the circle.

Vacuum Cleaner took a birthday downdown through his horn, and the Irish drank to celebrate their outstanding performance at the Eurovision contest the night before.   The RA brought in the misnamers, plus the photos tell that there ewre various other downdowns, the reasons for which my memory completely fails me.  I must have been zoning out and thinking of the food to come.  As it was the Commemoration of Atatürk, Youth and Sports Day, there was a call for the youthful members of the group to come in and drink.  Many seemed to confuse youth with their mental age, but once this was rectified, the true youngsters were joined by the Turkish members of the hash to celebrate the day. 

After jokes from the RA and a final downdown for the goody-goodies, the circke closed and we headed down to the beach for the On On On at Sofis restaurant.  Great venue and thanks to the Hares for organizing a fabulous evening.